I have a confession.
My life is a paradox. On one hand public speaking is my profession. I enjoy my job. I feel I have both a calling and a gift to do it. Then there is the side of me that doesn’t like to talk at all. I am terrified of meeting new people, socializing in large crowds, and carrying on small talk. I’m often lost on what to say and when to say it. I am completely uncomfortable in strange places with strange people. Sometimes I won’t even leave my home. I live with this daily, and I’ve learned to accept these two different sides of my personality even when others can’t seem to understand it.
Silence and solitude are at times my greatest assets. It is not uncommon for me to go hours or sometimes a complete day without speaking. Learning to be comfortable with silence has helped me to become a focused thinker in order to process the world around me in a safe space. Silence is how I handle my sensory processing issues. Yes, there are times that I don’t talk a lot, but I need my moments of solitude in order to stay strong.
Then there are those seasons when silence and solitude are my biggest liabilities. Being comfortable with silence can be just as much a curse as it can be a gift. There are moments when my inclination to stay quiet and stay alone become the source of my struggles instead of the source of my strength. Sometimes my silence leaves so many stories left untold and unresolved.
One of the most devastating consequences of living with this constant contradiction is the role of depression. Silence ceases to be an asset when I am unaware or unable to speak out, telling the secrets of my silent struggle. My story, like many teens and adults with autism spectrum disorder, is a story that includes an ongoing struggle with periods of depression.
Depression can be common in teens, young adults, and adults diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and other autism spectrum disorders because of the overwhelming sense of social expectations we are faced with on a daily basis. Social interaction can be tremendously stressful for those on the spectrum and the silent story that often goes untold is that the pressure of trying to fit in coupled with the reality of rejection has the potential to trigger episodes of depression. Employment difficulties, social isolation, and difficulty communicating are all realities of life with ASD.
Depression can be difficult to diagnose in those on the autism spectrum because many of the signs and symptoms of depression are consistent with behavioral patterns and expressions of those with Asperger’s syndrome. That is why it is critical to be intentional about paying attention to your child or loved one. As a teenager and college student I knew this pressure all to well. The desperation to be included mixed with a natural desire to remain in solitude created routine periods of depression that led to years of self-medicating through drugs and alcohol. It’s one of the dark secrets of life for many on the autism spectrum, and one that often goes unresolved because those who carry this story often prefer silence. As a recently diagnosed adult I’ve learned the language to describe my struggle, however there are thousands if not millions of teenagers and young adults who are unable to articulate these feelings of despair. This post is for them and the people who love them so here are just a few tips that I have found helpful in managing my moments of depression.
1. Understand the “norm”.
Every person on the spectrum is different, so reducing their behavior to a standard set of practices is usually not helpful. Instead understand what normal behavior looks like for them. People on the spectrum also have personalities, likes and dislikes like everyone else. Try to focus on when they began to show changes in their personality and moods.
2. Recognize the ripples.
When I am in a season of depression the most accurate image I can use to describe it is quicksand. Quicksand can be dangerous but it doesn’t have to be deadly. One of the primary ways to avoid it all together is to look for ripples in the ground as you walk. Ripples indicate that the ground ahead is unstable. When managing my life on the spectrum I have learned to do my best to watch out for unstable ground. Excessive changes in routine and/or social interaction can be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually draining for me. It also increases the chances of me going into a depressive state. I’m not always good at recognizing when I’m in danger of stepping into the quicksand so I try to have trusted friends and family who can help me recognize the ripples before I start sinking.
3. Pursue professional help.
When I was much younger I didn’t realize the weight of depression. I didn’t know I was autistic and also didn’t grow up in a culture that talked much about mental health. The result was I turned to drugs and alcohol as teen and young adult in order to self medicate. I now have an extremely high view and value for seeking professional help. I see my therapist (who also diagnosed me with Asperger’s) at least once a month since my diagnosis almost 2 years ago. At this time my depression doesn’t require medication, however there are situations that may require the use of medication and I recommend seeing a professional that can help you make those decisions for yourself or your loved one.
4. Respect the need for rest.
People on the spectrum don’t experience meltdowns or shutdowns because they are underwhelmed. Those moments along with periods of depression are usually theresult of being overwhelmed. I have recently observed that my extraordinary ability to focus on tasks can at times cause me to go long periods without resting. When I speak of rest I am speaking about more than sleep, which is needed, however I am talking about the rest of the mind and spirit. For me rest is spiritual so my faith plays a large role in how I manage my moments of depression. While we all may have differing belief systems, I believe that one thing is true as it relates to autism; living with it can have a way of making your soul weary from time to time. I encourage you or the person you love to find an activity that helps the soul to rest.
Depression on the spectrum can feel like walking in quicksand. The harder you try to get out of it by yourself the worse it feels but I’ve learned that learning to speak up is the best way to get help when you need it the most. My hope is that you will learn that there are times when it is okay to speak up and allow others to help pull you out.
You are not alone.
