The Real Reason You Don’t Believe I’m Autistic

On March 8, 2015, I did one of the most courageous things I’ve ever done. This leap of faith ranks right up there with jumping the broom and having three children. On March 8, 2015, I told the world about my autism diagnosis.

I spent the better half of 2014 wrestling with the idea that I may be on the autism spectrum. I’m not exactly sure when my suspicions began, but at age 36, I was almost certain I couldn’t be autistic because I thought I was “just fine” — until I realized my “fine” was actually pretty different from everyone else’s definition of “fine.” That’s when I began to take an honest look in the mirror — not because I didn’t like what I saw, but because I wanted to redefine “fine.” I’ve lived my entire life pretty much the same way. I’ve never had a ton of friends, but I was fine with that, even when others thought it was strange.

I’ve always preferred to be alone, and while I do like hanging out occasionally, I see nothing wrong with sitting at home alone on the weekend. I’m just fine with that. I almost always miss the point of sarcastic jokes and comments, but I’ve never had an issue with that. In fact, I just thought to myself, “It’s not that I don’t get what you’re saying. You’re just not that funny,” and I was fine with that.

Honestly, I’ve known I was a little different ever since I was a teenager. My interests were very limited, I didn’t need or like to be the center of attention and most people thought I barely talked. I was fine with that. It’s just who I am, and everyone who really knew me knew I wasn’t strange, I was just Lamar.

When I did finally get a diagnosis as an adult and I shared my new discovery with the world, most people in my life had a similar response. “We would never know something was wrong with you. You seem just fine.”

I am fine. In fact, I am better than fine. I am Lamar, and my “fine” has always been defined by me. You see, the same reason you don’t think I am autistic is the exact same reason I didn’t think I was autistic. I am fine because I don’t allow labels to limit me. I never have.

Let’s be clear, I am autistic. When I received my diagnosis, I didn’t need a second opinion. I knew it was right. I’ve always had sensory issues; I just didn’t know everyone didn’t hear, see and smell the world the way I did. I’ve always had trouble with facial expressions, body language and social cues. I just expected people to say what they meant. I don’t assume, and I didn’t live in the world of nonverbal communication, and I was fine with that.

The real reason most people don’t think I am autistic is because like me, they have had very little education about what autism actually is. Autism has received a lot of attention in the last decade; however, the harsh reality is that there are still millions of people who don’t know nearly enough about autism, what it is and how it affects people.

I should know; I was one of those people. Until my diagnosis, my understanding of autism was reduced to a stereotype. The vast majority of people lean to one end of the spectrum or another in order to define what autism is.

The real reason most people don’t believe I am autistic is simply because I can talk, and because of the fact that I am verbal, I must be fine. I believed the same thing, but what I believed help perpetuate a stereotype about autistic people.

The problem with stereotypes is that it silences so many autistic people, and it provides a singular definition of “fine.” Stereotypes allow for one singular expression of what it means to be socially acceptable. Stereotypes create one singular narrative about who people should be and how they should behave.

Stereotypes, whether intentional or not, are the reason why I didn’t know I was autistic, and it’s the reason that most people don’t think I am autistic today.

We have a lot of work to do to educate more people about autism. Autism can’t be reduced to how one externally functions in the eyes of society. The ability to talk doesn’t make me any less autistic than those who are nonverbal. On the other hand, the inability to talk doesn’t make other autistic people any less competent or valuable than those who are verbal.

Autism is not only found in children. You don’t “outgrow” autism, and autistic children grow up to be autistic adults. Autism is truly a spectrum, and what I have both observed and learned since my diagnosis is that it is much easier to search for labels and stereotypes than it is to search for ways to support the autism community by searching for the significance in each individual human life.

Since being diagnosed, I’ve learned a lot about myself, but even more importantly I have learned a lot about why I knew nothing about myself for so many years. Since being diagnosed, I have been confronted with stereotypes about autism that create the idea that “fine” is defined by one group of people, so my goal is to make that “fine” harder to find.

When we educate the world about autism in both children and adults, people who are verbal and nonverbal, we make it much more difficult for the world to subscribe to one idea of “fine,” and in the end, we can aggressively redefine what it means to be “fine,” what it means to be social, what it means to be successful, what it means to be hopeful, what it means to be valuable and most importantly what it means to be human.

*a version of the post also appears on The Mighty

31 thoughts on “The Real Reason You Don’t Believe I’m Autistic

  1. missrane Reply

    Thanks for sharing. I’m curious how you got diagnosed as an adult? I suspect I’m on the spectrum, but all the doctors who specialize in it in my area only deal with children.

    • lamarhardwick@yahoo.com Post authorReply

      Thanks for reading. It is very hard to find someone to diagnose adults with ASD. It took me a while and I had to drive an hour away from where I live to see someone that would work with me. Keep searching, it may take a while.

    • Lauren Reply

      See a neurologist and ask for genetic sequencing. There are specific genetic abnormalities that are known to cause Autism.

      • susanj1511 Reply

        That may be the case, but I’m pretty sure that this is not the way any actual human gets a diagnosis.

      • Charliw Reply

        Not so, yes the fact that being autistic does clearly run in families (I’m autistic, my 2 children, my nephew, most likely my father-in-law and my stepson) Cambridge University and Prof Simon Baron-Cohen have spent years searching for a genetic marker that indicates autism so it can be tested this way and haven’t yet found it.

    • Cally Reply

      Because there are not enough neurologist / psychiatrist options for adults, other MH professionals do have tools to diagnose.
      My parents were clueless, strict, abusive and demanding, and insisted I had to conform to their expectations; not doing so was way more painful, so I had to develop limited coping skills completely alone, just to survive; a lot of that meant covering-up my intrinsic preferences and tendencies to try to conform (and to also escape their system early). I was diagnosed in my early 40s by my LCPC therapist (this diagnosis is legal in my state, where there are only a few psychiatrists for a 400 mile radius) when a trainer gave me a job ultimatum to get a diagnosis determination, and for the therapist I let out-of-the-bag all my preferences and tendencies. I have been frustrated since then because now I can see more clearly where my skill shortcomings are and how much easier it would be if I could find DBT or social skills training… it appears I would have to travel 500 miles to find it. (My therapists’ suggestion that I “focus on ease, flow and grace” is reassuring but too abstract to be very helpfully practical.) Unfortunately, in my state, services are only available for deeply non-functioning adults (services which are at constant risk depending on what the state legislature decides not to fund) but mainly only “intervention” services only for children — not helping adults learn adult skills to cope. I’ve also been really frustrated with regional “autism training” events held in my town which had no public promo ahead of time and the news coverage was gibberish: no understandable lay description (used only ambiguous, undefined jargon) for what program was presented at the event, and no additional info to look it up.
      A friend is in the process of getting her board certification as a neurologist, and thinks I need a 2nd opinion on my diagnosis because he (is probably biased and) doesn’t believe “just an LCPC” can be accurate. However, my friend has never even had any pro training on neuro issues like addiction, and has spent the majority of his career only treating strokes! My friend has only dealt with me socially when I am working really hard covering-up my tendencies, and has not had a conversation about WHY and HOW I accepted the LCPC’s diagnosis. (However, that conversation would also risk a friend diagnosing me socially, which is a medical-ethical no-no.)
      So my long-winded points are that there are not enough options for adults, and other MH professionals can diagnose because neurologists don’t always have experience, sometimes just prejudice, about the “right way” to be diagnosed. It took me a long time to get past my family’s culture that a diagnosis means something is wrong with me (thank you, therapist — it would have taken a lot longer without the LCPC’s help). It’s been more helpful and practical to have a LCPC handle the diagnosing and ongoing treatment (especially since I’m in a treatment desert already).

  2. Karen Hvidding Reply

    Thank you Lamar. You are the first pastor on the spectrum I have ‘met’. I was in ministry as a missionary for years undiagnosed until2008. Very hard.

    • Ed Truxal Reply

      Karen, I had a similar response to Lamar as well – you’ve been diagnosed a little longer than myself – also having spent years in vocational ministry in missions and pastoral roles. You’re right, the challenge is real and I sincerely hope that you’ve been able to find truth, purpose, and limitless grace in this journey. Best wishes.

  3. Pingback: The Real Reason You Don’t Believe I’m Autistic | The Autism Pastor – Independent Person

  4. Fiona Reply

    You sum up so much of what I think. I am an emergency doctor, and most people refuse to believe someone in my career could be autistic. But anyone who knows me really well can see it – not that there are many people in that position as I am happiest on my own.

  5. Peter Reply

    You are so right about crude stereotyping of autism. I’m in a similar position; professional qualifications and job, very articulate and talkative on subjects that are of interest to me, and so people around me who know I am autistic nonetheless don’t accept it, because I don’t fit their stereotypical conception of the condition. Hence they expect me to behave like a neurotypical person at all times, which I don’t.

  6. Tom Reply

    Hi Lamar – I was diagnosed 2 months ago today at age 59. I’m meeting so many people who are late-diagnosed. Though the effect autism has on us varies greatly, we somehow have known there is something different about our lives that is so difficult for even us to define. This discovery has explained a lot about who I am and why. It is impossible for those who are not autistic to truly comprehend how our perceptions are different and what this revelation means to us. Just as it is not possible for us to truly comprehend what it is like to see the world as NOT autistic. I hope as more people find they are autistic or neurodiverse, that the a greater awareness and understanding of autism spreads throughout the neurotypical society and we all develop a better understanding of each other.

  7. Krissy Reply

    “But you make such good eye contact!” is my personal favorite response. Thank you for sharing this!

    • Adam Reply

      Yeah, I like that one too – they would never know I’m looking at the bridge of their nose unless I told them.

  8. westwinddt Reply

    This is wonderful. My son is autistic. He is a freshman in college, studying chemistry and secondary education. He lives on campus and is doing well. When he was younger I pushed to get an accurate diagnosis as early as possible. He comes off as a little quirky. We never hid the fact he was autistic. We always told him it should never be an excuse for not doing things but instead an explanation why he may do things a little differently.

  9. tagÂûght Reply

    An excellent post, and you mention a lot that I find familiar. (I got my official diagnosis in 2012, but I knew I was autistic for years before, because I have a sister who was working to become an SLP, which she has since done.) The being “fine” being alone, not having many friends (hey, you don’t need a lot of friends to be happy!), the limited interests (which have since expanded somewhat, but they’re always going to be narrow-focus and specific), etc. And again, I’ve always been verbal. I’ve never had a real problem making eye contact (though I do it less now, I think it part because of the friends I’ve made who aren’t comfortable with it, and possibly because I’ve relaxed a bit on the issue of “what’s expected of me”).

    So yes, a lot of recognition of elements of your story.

    And thank you for speaking out, on behalf of your fellow autistic advocates! 🙂

  10. Julie Reply

    Thank you for your insight and revelations. It helps us all in many different ways. I applaud you for your courage and your selfless ways to share something so personal publicly.

    • Kimiberlinii Reply

      Thanks so much Lamar…it too am late diagnosed although I only pretended to be fine…I thought everything was my fault and therefore I really struggled. I also developed an autoimmune disease. My diagnosis has helped me learn about myself and other people: though many don’t accept that I am Autistic, and those that do don’t really understand what it really means. I struggle with true communication and understanding, in both (all) directions.
      I share your mission.
      Thanks to all who have shared in the comments.

  11. David Albert Reply

    I think the issue we face being on the spectrum is learning how to cope with our idiosyncrasies in a judgement filled world. I have a theory that we process information differently than our NT peers. I process information visually, and therefore i can make sense of the world in ways that others cannot… i can see the dancing colors or images in a beautiful song, I can visualize the fuel path of an internal combustion engine, and I can construct structures in my mind before I pick up a hammer or a saw… my challenge comes in the world of the verbal, because I have to translate the verbal into the visual before I can make sense of it… and consequently I struggle at times with folks who speak incredibly fast, or say one thing with their words and another with their body language. Fine is a matter of relativity… and while my fine may mean something much different to an NT individual, it still gives me comfort. My pathway to being fine just takes a different path and uses different senses than it does others… and that’s fine.

  12. Linda Reply

    Thank you Lamar, I have had people just look at me when I’ve said I was on the spectrum, said outright I wasn’t. My therapist insists I am. My associate pastor got an unpleasant look and said I should get it confirmed because I would qualify for services. I don’t know where to go for an official diagnoses and I don’t know that it would help. I won’t even bother telling my family.

  13. Pingback: The Real Reason You Don’t Believe I’m Autistic – The Autism Pastor – Adriana L. White

  14. Hobson Reply

    I have it too. Completely undiagnosed of course, but it’s there. The trouble I have has nothing to do with any “label” though, but all the complications that it causes for me. Just food for thought. You’re lucky if you’re not so profoundly effected.

  15. quietplace135 Reply

    This article was great, informative and very thought provoking. Continue to write, educate and share your message hope the world my friend.

  16. Beverly Reply

    Beautifully written! Thank you.

    Roughly 95% of my social contacts, mostly women, disbelieve my later-in-life diagnosis at age 60. I feel that they don’t want to re-evaluate their lower opinion of me…..which might lead them to feel some guilt, and reframe some of their long held beliefs about many things, including themselves.

    No way to really calculate, but I am wondering if it might not be more difficult for a “quiet” female to get along with most females, who are usually more verbal even than most men, especially if we don’t understand the driving insecurities and pathological competitiveness of those in the pink ghetto…we are like several social classes lower than NT men, Neurodiverse men, NT women….and then some.

    Since I have reframed who I am, there has been a shift in some long standing “friendships.” I am no longer willing to put most of the effort into the friendships to keep them going. Just glad and sad that it seems like Yeshua’s return getting closer and closer….glad for an end to sin and hard heartedness…..

  17. Danni Chan Reply

    Thank you so much for sharing Lamar. It is really beautiful and touching to hear your struggles and feelings so I thought I’d reach out and say hello. I shall be following because you seem so honest and genuine.

    You aren’t on your own. I recieved a diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome at age 12 and have been pursuing a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult. I’m also very verbal. (And have other difficulties that weren’t answered by my autism diagnosis as a child.) I am chaotic rather than controlled and ocd. Some of the diagnostic criteria I was the direct opposite for autism. You are right that there are stereotypes that people and people in the medical and public services, need to be educated on. I certainly am not a 6 year old boy jumping on tables and running around.

    The fact is one size doesn’t fit all. We are all different and that is what makes people and humanity so beautiful.

    Learning to be kind to ourselves and others, forgiving and understanding is a challenge but educating myself and being my own self advocate has gotten me an ADHD diagnosis along side my Asperger’s. It has been a relief and I’m so glad you have been your self adovocate. We know what we need deep down and I hope you continue to look after yourself and share and enjoy your journey .

    Thank you for writing this. It has touched my soul (enough to leave a comment!)

    Danni 🌸

  18. Janice Takashima Reply

    I’m late to the discussion, but I am with several here who came to awareness late in life. It appears that my special interest has long been human diversity and the label of autism has just given me another tool for understanding others and, it turns out, myself. Now I know why some kinds of learning has been difficult for me and I understand why patience and understanding go a long way toward helping all of us achieve much of what we set out to. It is sad that we admire what is flashy and easy to achieve while dismissing the accomplishments that come with many set-backs and failures. Life is a process and we can’t and shouldn’t judge how each of us is traveling our road through it. Reaching back to give a helping hand, or waiting a bit until someone catches up are part of the experience. Getting to the end first with the most is not the point of my life. I feel sad for those who believe it is the point of theirs.

  19. Tiffany L Daniels Reply

    I too have heard since I was diagnosed at 19 that “If you didn’t tell me I would have never known.”

  20. H Renee Reply

    I’m just now discovering you and this blog. My husband was finally confirmed ASD in April (fittingly, during Autism Acceptance month). He has been studying theology (in a PhD program, and just now finished a certificate in Anglican studies) for the past 11 years. He recently disclosed to some of his professors, but he is very concerned about whether or not to disclose to potential employers in the church. I know you were already employed when you disclosed, and I know that disclosure is a very personal choice that will be contingent upon the circumstances, but do you have any advice on how he should approach this decision? Thank you for your work.

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