Anxiety (panic) attacks have been a part of my life for years even when I didn’t realize it. It was only a few years ago that a friend told me that some symptoms that I described to her were in fact a panic attack. For years I would often get a certain surge of heat over my body followed rapidly by an overwhelming itching feeling all over my skin. To describe it accurately would be to say it feels like my flesh is being eaten by mutant fire ants that haven’t eaten in over a year. The pain and itching is awful and my first instinct is to shed all of my clothes and to run and get to a cold place. Except that would be embarrassing and socially unacceptable so of course I try to deal with it without drawing attention to myself. Years ago, prior to my autism diagnosis, I would try to explain these episodes to my doctor. We first thought I had hives, an allergic reaction to something, or something was physically causing this. I even begun to take steroids (pills) to stop the reactions that we couldn’t explain. (Which led to fluctuations in my weight) I can remember times when I would excuse myself from a work meeting just to walk as fast as I could to the nearest exit with no coat busting out of the door into 30 degree weather because that would be only thing that may help. If I am home I jump in the shower and let the cold water hit my skin. Then there are times where I have to let the water get as hot as possible and stick my head under it and scrub it rapidly with exfoliating gloves because the sensation makes it feel like the heat on my skin is leaving my body. It’s an awful feeling. And it’s more awful having to live with the fear that this anxiety attack may happen anywhere at anytime without warning and for no apparent reason. Well last night it happened while I was in the middle of Kroger. I grabbed my things, paid for them, sped home, and tried to ride out the panic attack. It was both frightening and embarrassing and truthfully it happens a lot and I try to hide it. Why I am sharing this? Anxiety is a huge part of living with autism, at least for me. I know what my life looks like from the outside looking in, but there are real challenges that I face that are sometimes embarrassing to talk about. I guess I’m sharing this because anxiety attacks don’t always look like shortness of breath and chest pains, so if you’re a parent to an awesome kid/adult on the spectrum be aware that some behaviors that appear out of the ordinary may be a manifestation of a panic attack. Until about three years ago I didn’t know that was what was happening to me.
P.S. I’m fine really. All is well now.
